Trigger.

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I realized after writing my last post that I needed a break from the emotional purge series. Constant focus on my negative traits brought my mood down greatly.  This exercise, identifying my “sins,” was meant to make me feel better.  The blog became a confessional.  But after the last entry, I only felt worse.

This next installment, the part 2 of my last post, is especially difficult for me to write because this is mostly about how badly May hurt me, and how I reacted in response.  It was the first time that someone had ever told me “I don’t love you,” and even now, it’s still difficult to think about.  It hurt to the core at the time, but the pain has since dulled.  I still remember what it felt like, though.  Like having a tooth pulled and feeling the cavity where the tooth once stood once it’s healed.

I don’t feel very renewed or restored after the last few days.  These things, the shitty acts I’ve committed against people, I need to talk about them in order to get them out of my system in hopes that I won’t be haunted by them again, or realistically, not haunted by them as much or as frequently.

The project started after I stopped daily consumption of drugs and alcohol and started taking my medications as prescribed.  After three weeks of not taking anything recreational, I ultimately feel better.  But when I write about some of this stuff, I feel nervous and ill at ease with myself and all I want to do is smoke a joint and make this feeling go away.  I need to learn how to not feel that way.

Let’s hope I learn soon.

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Old Friends // “Still Fighting It”

You never know how much you mean to someone until they get in touch with you at one in the morning to tell you.

Why one in the morning?  That’s when we used to talk, I suppose.  It was appropriate for this day, this moment.  My friend messaged me, saying that he didn’t know why we stopped talking half a decade ago.  I don’t know what prompted him to message tonight.  I don’t know what he’s going through that compelled him to reach out to me.  All I know is that he did, and we’ve been talking for the last forty minutes as if no time has passed at all.

He’s married now and they recently had a son.  I find it all so amazing.  I remember how we were in 2005 and 2006, stoop sitting, splitting a case of Yuengling, talking for hours, and drinking enough to inhibit my ability to stand.  I remember drunken nights on his couch.  I remember the tough times, the times we didn’t want to exist, and how we were there for each other.

It all seems so far away.  We were babies then.  Babies with no direction whatsoever. Babies embarking on a journey of self-discovery.

As the conversation winded down, he told me this:

“I hope one day we won’t just see each other for milestones or drunken nights, but just for everyday shit, like ‘Hey I am going to get some chicken. Do you want some?'”

And as it came to an end, he said this:

“I don’t think I would be who I am, maybe not be anyone at all…. if it wasn’t for you.”

Your song for the night is “Still Fighting It” by Ben Folds.  Way back when, I think in 2006, when my friend was going through a hard time, I made him a video.  I included this song and the words ran across the screen, encouraging him to hold on, telling him things will get better.

Damn.