I’ve felt like a mess for weeks. I don’t have any positive stories to relay to you. I don’t feel like a very good person. I feel godawful and undeserving of love. I feel like all of this negativity within me and around me is some form of karmic justice for all of the shit I’ve done. I don’t feel worthy of anything good.
I’ve tried a number of things to make myself feel better, but they just don’t work. They’re not long lasting. They’re superficial. The interventions are just distractions.
My feelings have been ruining my life. I’ve been plagued by thoughts of inadequacy. And those thoughts have been loud enough to keep me from sticking to my obligations.
But I have a lot of support. I have A LOT of people in my life who feel comfortable enough to slap me in the face with a reality check. I have great friends, a great partner, a goofy furbaby, and a new extended family rooting for me. The love is real. And I can acknowledge it.
I still think I’m a piece of shit.
I still think I’m a piece of shit but I can hear the voices around me, encouraging me. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I might not feel like a waste of oxygen. Tomorrow might be the day I turn shit around.
This stress of my grandfather being ill and the tensions in family is really getting me down during my favorite time of year. It has definitely painted my mood tonight. And to cope with the sadness, I present you with today’s top 5. The mopey Christmas edition.
1. “Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis” by Tom Waits
2. “Whatever Happened To Christmas?” by Aimee Mann
3. “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay
4. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Michael Bublé (Mariah Carey cover)
5. “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith (first performed by Judy Garland)
Despite my best efforts to focus on the good and meaningful things in life, I can’t bring myself to be positive right now.
My grandfather is in the hospital and I’m pretty upset about it. The details don’t matter right now. I’m just glad he’s getting the care he needs.
Things between my parents and I are strained to put it mildly. My father let me know that he doesn’t approve of my lifestyle. Again, I’m paraphrasing. That sentence is the best way to describe a 25 minute one-sided conversation. My mother agrees with him which is doubly painful. I’m tired and I’m left with the realization that my best will never be good enough. My sister once said I was the glue that held the family together. Well, even glue becomes brittle over time, breaking with the application of pressure.
Be a good girl
You’ve gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn’t good enough
To make us proud
Tonight’s song is “Perfect” by Alanis Morissette. It needs no explaining. Goodnight.
Well, there’s a lot of people that help me deal with a lot of different sadnesses. Sadness can be multifaceted; sometimes you’re experiencing-loss-sad (mourning), or feeling-empty-sad (desolation), or without-meaning-or-direction-or-purpose-sad (hopelessness). “Sad” as a descriptor is a catch-all, an umbrella term.
But for every kind of “sad,” there’s a person I would spend time with to cheer myself up.
I suppose it’s not necessarily an inability to feel, but rather an unwillingness. With those who are grieving, I understand what they are doing when they force themselves to put on a mask and be strong for those around them. I think people who are depressed or experiencing a significant life event typically do that by default. You don’t want others to worry about you. You don’t want to appear weak. You don’t want others to think they can’t rely on you. Most of all, in being “strong,” you can delay the inevitable. You can avoid sadness altogether. That is, until you can’t.