[6.] The First “First”

juno

[This is part 6 in a series about shitty things I’ve done to people.  You can read the original post here.]

To The First Guy Who Lost His Virginity To Me:

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for pursuing you for the wrong reasons.  When our mutual friend told me you had some interest in me, I stopped throwing myself at him and shifted my focus to you, not because I had a reciprocal interest in you, but because you were there.  With most men at that age, I was a huntress, always on the prowl, stalking my prey, and jumping at the first sign of vulnerability.  But you didn’t want to be hunted. Instead, you were there, at my mercy, waiting to be devoured.

I’m sorry for being so insensitive.  When you admitted your feelings to me, I laughed and told you that you were wrong, or you were mistaken, or you were lying.  I shouldn’t have fucked with your heart.  I shouldn’t have been so close to your heart in the first place.

I’m sorry for being visibly frustrated after the 20 seconds of sex that we had.  You didn’t need that.  I remember the face my first partner made after we had sex.  I truly hope you don’t remember mine.

I’m sorry for continuing to have sex with you.  I wanted to get laid, you wanted to be close to me.  I thought I was doing you some service by teaching you how to fuck.  I knew it was wrong then, but I continued to do it.

I’m sorry for abandoning you.  I abruptly and emotionlessly called it quits with you because I was unsatisfied.  After that, we didn’t see each other for about a year.  When we finally ran into each other at our mutual friend’s house, we awkwardly caught up.  You were going through a hard time, and I knew it, but I didn’t acknowledge it.

I’m sorry for ruining our friendship.  That’s on me.  Not you.

– L

Just Friends.

couple2

My ex and I have been amicable since our separation in February.  In fact, I regard him as one of my best friends.  He knows me better than most people, and as a result, I still involve him in my decision-making processes when I’m faced with tough life stuff.  He’s been very vocal in our ongoing conversation about my career change, and I appreciate him for that.

Life has been kind of hectic since he started working downtown.  His commute eats up his day and his job eats up most of his energy, and we have been talking less and less over the last week weeks.  Last night, realizing I’d be able to close the shop up on-time, I asked him if he’d like to meet up for dinner.  He agreed.  It had been too long between visits.

Continue reading “Just Friends.”

Turning Sixteen // “Across The Universe”

lovejordancatalano

This is a story involving my first high school crush. The guy who made my first mixtape. The guy who taught me about vegan ice cream sandwiches and the joys of cunnilingus.

But this is not a story about him. Bear with me.

Continue reading “Turning Sixteen // “Across The Universe””