A Haunting in Baltimore

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You know why you run?

You run because you need to get away.  You run because you need to escape the place you’ve found yourself in.  You run because you’re afraid.  You run because it’s what you know to do, what you have always done, and what you will continue to do.  You run in hopes to leave behind the things that will always, always catch up to you.

That’s why you ran away to Baltimore, right?  The city, with its bright lights and roadways outstretched like arms, was waiting to take you in and embrace you, so you could feel its rumble of a heartbeat as it held you close.   But the sense of security that the city gave you was accompanied by an understanding that the things you have run away from will always find their way back.

Consider The Hurricane, for example.

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Reality.

It has been a long day.

You sell a few boxes of contacts over the course of your shift, but that’s not enough to make the time go by any faster.  The clock ticks away, inching closer and closer to quitting time.  You sit at your desk, almost draped over it, exasperated and waiting for the day to end.

A familiar face enters and she looks just as you remember her.  You once regarded each other as sisters, and those feelings of affection quickly rise to the surface upon her reentry into your workplace and into your life.  There’s a hug, long and comfortable.  You ask each other questions about what the other has been up to.  Before you know it, it’s time to close up shop and head home.  She asks you to accompany her to the bar you used to frequent.  You agree.

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Quick Update

When I said I wanted to write every day, I meant it!

Waking up this morning was a struggle.  My insomnia got the better of me last night, and by the time I was able to achieve some meaningful sleep, it was time to get out of bed and start the day.  I felt awful, both physically and mentally. My brother’s cat attempted to coerce me out of bed by pawing at my face, but to not avail.

i feel like complete shit

There does come a point in the day when productivity is the only acceptable option.  I managed to get out of bed, remembering that I promised my roommate that I would go to Target to exchange the lamp that she had purchased for a functional one.  I forced myself to take a shower, put on my adult costume, and went out.  I try to keep my word whenever possible, and I had to make good on my promise.

I saw Captain Coping Skills (formerly The Polyamorous Neurotic) for dinner this evening.  He took me out as a show of gratitude for all that I’ve done for him.  We talked about future intentions quite a bit.  We both want to get out of retail.  We both want more from our lives.  We became emotional when talking about his move across the country.

I’m numb this evening.  I’ve been working on a few things here and there, but I’m not feeling very much of anything and I prefer it at the moment.

Tomorrow is a new day and that will bring a new post.  Until then, sleep well and have a Smiths song before bed.

 

Just Friends.

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My ex and I have been amicable since our separation in February.  In fact, I regard him as one of my best friends.  He knows me better than most people, and as a result, I still involve him in my decision-making processes when I’m faced with tough life stuff.  He’s been very vocal in our ongoing conversation about my career change, and I appreciate him for that.

Life has been kind of hectic since he started working downtown.  His commute eats up his day and his job eats up most of his energy, and we have been talking less and less over the last week weeks.  Last night, realizing I’d be able to close the shop up on-time, I asked him if he’d like to meet up for dinner.  He agreed.  It had been too long between visits.

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In The End…

 

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Man, a lot has changed since my last post.

I woke up as a single woman last Tuesday.

I woke up as a single woman on Tuesday because my now-ex terminated our relationship.  I woke up as a single woman on Tuesday because my now-ex terminated our relationship after I had forced him in a position to do so.

I woke up as a single woman on Tuesday because my now-ex terminated our relationship after I had forced him in a position to do so, and I did nothing to stop him.

There were three things that were made abundantly clear on Monday night: (1) I was not satisfied with the relationship, (2) he was not satisfied with the way I was treating him and our relationship in response, and (3) love wasn’t enough to keep the sinking ship afloat.

But that’s okay.  That’s okay because it’s life, and love and loss are both a part of life.

Right now, I’m trying to figure what to do with my life.  I bounced from couch to couch for a few days before sucking up my pride and asking if I could stay at my parents’ house.  It’s been an adjustment, an adjustment that has provoked major anxiety within me.  I guess that’s par for the course.  The anxiety is coming from a place of not wanting to move backwards; I’ll be 30 in a week and living with my parents again is not where I thought I’d be.

Phrase of the month (thus far): “Oh well.”

 

This Is How You Forget // “There’s A Darkness (But There’s Also A Light)”

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I was poking around Facebook this morning while eating breakfast.  My boyfriend had gone to work and it was just me and the new Alt-J record I just bought.  I drew the curtains, opened the window, and lit some nag champa incense.  A decidedly good morning.  Our place is far enough from street noises to be serene.  For the most part, you can hear the hum of the interstate a few miles away, but not much beyond that.

Anyway, I came across this article at medium.com by Aaron Bleyaert entitled “HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT IN 4 EASY STEPS.”  Initially, I rolled my eyes at the title, but a curiosity overcame me, forcing me to not just skim, but read and absorb.

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Old Friends // “Still Fighting It”

You never know how much you mean to someone until they get in touch with you at one in the morning to tell you.

Why one in the morning?  That’s when we used to talk, I suppose.  It was appropriate for this day, this moment.  My friend messaged me, saying that he didn’t know why we stopped talking half a decade ago.  I don’t know what prompted him to message tonight.  I don’t know what he’s going through that compelled him to reach out to me.  All I know is that he did, and we’ve been talking for the last forty minutes as if no time has passed at all.

He’s married now and they recently had a son.  I find it all so amazing.  I remember how we were in 2005 and 2006, stoop sitting, splitting a case of Yuengling, talking for hours, and drinking enough to inhibit my ability to stand.  I remember drunken nights on his couch.  I remember the tough times, the times we didn’t want to exist, and how we were there for each other.

It all seems so far away.  We were babies then.  Babies with no direction whatsoever. Babies embarking on a journey of self-discovery.

As the conversation winded down, he told me this:

“I hope one day we won’t just see each other for milestones or drunken nights, but just for everyday shit, like ‘Hey I am going to get some chicken. Do you want some?'”

And as it came to an end, he said this:

“I don’t think I would be who I am, maybe not be anyone at all…. if it wasn’t for you.”

Your song for the night is “Still Fighting It” by Ben Folds.  Way back when, I think in 2006, when my friend was going through a hard time, I made him a video.  I included this song and the words ran across the screen, encouraging him to hold on, telling him things will get better.

Damn.