You run because you need to get away. You run because you need to escape the place you’ve found yourself in. You run because you’re afraid. You run because it’s what you know to do, what you have always done, and what you will continue to do. You run in hopes to leave behind the things that will always, always catch up to you.
That’s why you ran away to Baltimore, right? The city, with its bright lights and roadways outstretched like arms, was waiting to take you in and embrace you, so you could feel its rumble of a heartbeat as it held you close. But the sense of security that the city gave you was accompanied by an understanding that the things you have run away from will always find their way back.
You sell a few boxes of contacts over the course of your shift, but that’s not enough to make the time go by any faster. The clock ticks away, inching closer and closer to quitting time. You sit at your desk, almost draped over it, exasperated and waiting for the day to end.
A familiar face enters and she looks just as you remember her. You once regarded each other as sisters, and those feelings of affection quickly rise to the surface upon her reentry into your workplace and into your life. There’s a hug, long and comfortable. You ask each other questions about what the other has been up to. Before you know it, it’s time to close up shop and head home. She asks you to accompany her to the bar you used to frequent. You agree.
In an attempt to release some of the guilt I’ve held on to (as mentioned in last night’s post), I’ve decided I’m going to write about the significant things I have done to others. A lot of time has passed, and I’ve gained some amount of clarity, so I’m viewing this as an attempt to forgive myself and let go of some of the baggage I carry. And maybe, in time, I can ask for forgiveness from others.
The Brain Twin is supportive of this exercise. She’s the yin to my yang. The Brain Twin doesn’t cosign an action of mine unless she thinks it’ll do me some good or have a positive outcome. I trust her judgment, so with that, here we go.
See, when I was getting high or drinking, I could churn out page after page of great thought or nonsense, depending on my mood. Nothing was premeditated; every thought that I put to paper or typed out was of the moment. It felt spontaneous and exciting. My creativity was free to manifest itself as it saw fit.
I’ve missed two days of blogging and that’s okay because sometimes it’s okay not to have anything to say. Instead of forcing something, I just decided to leave blogging alone for a bit.
It occurs to me that I need to do something restorative for not only my mind, but my body as well. I ache mentally and physically these days, more than I’ve ached in the past, anyway. That’s not okay. It’s never been okay, but I think I was able to do enough to sweep my stress under the rug previously.
Lately, I’ve been highly emotional. Today has seen its fair share of crying jags and internal shouting matches with my demons. It’s exhausting.
I need a vacation from myself if that makes any sense at all.
Monday, June 1, 2015 Ready Set Go: Set a timer for 20 minutes and write about the best present you ever received. (Don’t overthink these time-sensitive prompts. Just set the timer, write however much you can write in the time allotted, finish the post, and hit publish.)
My break-up with my ex-boyfriend, while traumatic as it was, was perhaps one of the best things that ever happened to me. And while he thought he was taking something away from me, he was in fact giving me one of the best presents I’ve ever received: the gift of freedom.