Professional Fuck-Up

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Creating and putting out into the world any kind of meaningful material is more difficult now than it ever was at age 20.

See, back then, I was awash in angst and I could take on any challenge given the single, powerful notion of youthful invincibility (thanks, mania) and an adequate supply of coffee.  Most of the things I accomplished at that age, I only pursued because I saw someone else doing it and figured I could do whatever it was being done just as well, if not better.  That’s why I started writing poetry as a teen, and ultimately why I started making video blogs (oh, vlogging) on YouTube as a young adult.

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A Haunting in Baltimore

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You know why you run?

You run because you need to get away.  You run because you need to escape the place you’ve found yourself in.  You run because you’re afraid.  You run because it’s what you know to do, what you have always done, and what you will continue to do.  You run in hopes to leave behind the things that will always, always catch up to you.

That’s why you ran away to Baltimore, right?  The city, with its bright lights and roadways outstretched like arms, was waiting to take you in and embrace you, so you could feel its rumble of a heartbeat as it held you close.   But the sense of security that the city gave you was accompanied by an understanding that the things you have run away from will always find their way back.

Consider The Hurricane, for example.

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On “Doing.”

See, I have this roommate.

We don’t talk very much, and oftentimes I’m intimidated by her (specifically, her intelligence).  I think she has a beautiful mind and she strikes me as the kind of person that can teach me a thing or two if I am open to learning.

At two in the morning on Sunday, after walking Captain Coping Skills (formerly The Polyamorous Neurotic) to his car (which is another story for another time), she made me tea and we chatted one-on-one for the first time since her return from her home country.  She asked me to explain the relationship between Captain Coping Skills and myself.  I told her that we were lovers; there wasn’t anything romantic happening between us.  I fancied a fuck and he was there, sometimes, when he wasn’t drinking himself into oblivion.

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Changing It Up.

I am the master of the narrative that is my life.

This is a common concept (“master of one’s destiny,” etc.), but it’s not a concept that I’ve fully embraced/lived by.  For a long time now (maybe years, if I’m honest), I’ve been a passive participant in my life.  I’ve even written about the topic and I’ve vowed to change the course my ship is sailing time and time again, to no avail.

Lack of consistency has brought me to this place:  I’m 30 and I live with my folks again, still working in an entry-level sales position, and for the first time acknowledging my lack of hobbies and passions, things that make me, me.

It’s unsettling.  A decade ago, I could identify myself with something outside of occupation.  I don’t think that’s the case now.  I don’t find myself interesting enough to take care of, if that makes sense.  I’m not an investment, I guess.

Well, it’s time to change thing, then.

After reading an e-mail the Bestie sent me a short while ago (a personal essay from one of her favorite writers), I’m inspired.  It’s a tingly feeling, rooted deeply in my solar plexus chakra, and it feels really good.  It feels hopeful.  I’m making a list of things I’m interested in, and one by one, I’ll explore these things.  It’s a start.  It’s a really good start.

Top 5 Bukowski Quotes on Living

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Since being snowed in has giving me time to read for pleasure, I’ve been thumbing through my some Bukowski.  His body of work is extensive, and while my collection isn’t complete, it’s enough to get me through.

I guess in reading his work, it occurred to me that he got a lot of shit right about life.  I suppose I’ve understood his perspective more with age and experience.  As a result, here are my top 5 Bukowski quotes that are truly resonating with me right now.

5. “If you’re losing your soul and you know it, then you’ve still got a soul left to lose.” (Tales of Ordinary Madness)

4. “Too often the people complain that they have done nothing with their
lives and then they wait for somebody to tell them that this isn’t so.” (What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire)

3. “How the hell could a person enjoy being awakened at 6:30AM, by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Factotum)

2. “We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” (The Captain is Out to Lunch and the Sailors Have Taken Over the Ship)

1. “What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” (title of work)

Aaaand, we’re back.

A lot has happened since I updated last.  My doctor thought I had cancer.  I don’t have cancer.  I got a job the same day my doctor told me I needed to remove my ovary.  The mass in my ovary grew.  On operation day, there was no mass to be found, indicating that the mass burst between my last MRI and the date of surgery.  I was opened up for nothing, but my reproductive organs are in tact.  Recovery was difficult because I had to rely on others to do things.  My friends reminded me why they’re my friends.  My grandfather passed away a week after my surgery.  I managed to squeak out A’s in two classes.  I received an incomplete in my manual drafting class, and I have 3 months to complete the assignments.  It’s Friday and I’m on the clock until 4 PM.

I’ve been tired. I’ve been incredibly sad. I’ve been uncomfortable. I’ve been happy. I’ve been thankful. I’ve been angry. I feel a lot of things at once.

I’d like to get back into maintaining my blog.  I’d like to partake in June’s NaBloPoMo, but I don’t think I can commit to writing every day with all that is going on.  I need to draw.  I need to work.  I need to find time to do restorative things for myself.  My body and mind need restoration desperately.

This man came into the shop to try on glasses just now.  He flirted with me, which was interesting.  I flirted back in an attempt to make a sale.  He said I have a pretty name.

That made the day a touch easier to get through.  I blushed a little.

And that’s me in a nutshell.  How are y’all doing?

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I miss you, old man.

Only in Dreams // “Shake It Off”

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My dreams lately have inspired nothing but anxiety and panic, not because of the content, but because of the realization that nothing is at all like how I dreamed it upon waking up.  My life isn’t exactly nightmarish.  Nothing is particularly bad.  I’m alive for now. I don’t have cancer for now. School is going well for now. My relationship is great for now.

The understanding that change is the only constant in life allows me to float through knowing that everything can change tomorrow, or tonight, or in an hour, or even 10 minutes from now. It’s both comforting and unsettling at the same time.

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