I realized after writing my last post that I needed a break from the emotional purge series. Constant focus on my negative traits brought my mood down greatly. This exercise, identifying my “sins,” was meant to make me feel better. The blog became a confessional. But after the last entry, I only felt worse.
This next installment, the part 2 of my last post, is especially difficult for me to write because this is mostly about how badly May hurt me, and how I reacted in response. It was the first time that someone had ever told me “I don’t love you,” and even now, it’s still difficult to think about. It hurt to the core at the time, but the pain has since dulled. I still remember what it felt like, though. Like having a tooth pulled and feeling the cavity where the tooth once stood once it’s healed.
I don’t feel very renewed or restored after the last few days. These things, the shitty acts I’ve committed against people, I need to talk about them in order to get them out of my system in hopes that I won’t be haunted by them again, or realistically, not haunted by them as much or as frequently.
The project started after I stopped daily consumption of drugs and alcohol and started taking my medications as prescribed. After three weeks of not taking anything recreational, I ultimately feel better. But when I write about some of this stuff, I feel nervous and ill at ease with myself and all I want to do is smoke a joint and make this feeling go away. I need to learn how to not feel that way.
I was poking around Facebook this morning while eating breakfast. My boyfriend had gone to work and it was just me and the new Alt-J record I just bought. I drew the curtains, opened the window, and lit some nag champa incense. A decidedly good morning. Our place is far enough from street noises to be serene. For the most part, you can hear the hum of the interstate a few miles away, but not much beyond that.
About nine years ago, I started vlogging on YouTube. It was a new concept back then, people making videos about their lives, and back then, there was a sense of community. I had a small following to start, and it increased as I posted more and more content. Some of my content included silly little movies that I cobbled together from various clips. Some were montages of events, like a vacation, or a hayride at the pumpkin patch. But most were just talking, unloading my wealth of young adult emotions, my novice concepts of the world, and ultimately my frustration with myself and those things around me.
Well, there’s a lot of people that help me deal with a lot of different sadnesses. Sadness can be multifaceted; sometimes you’re experiencing-loss-sad (mourning), or feeling-empty-sad (desolation), or without-meaning-or-direction-or-purpose-sad (hopelessness). “Sad” as a descriptor is a catch-all, an umbrella term.
But for every kind of “sad,” there’s a person I would spend time with to cheer myself up.