So, today is Election Day in the US and we are just hours away from the first polls closing on the east coast.
I decided to wear my Bernie Sanders shirt to vote to pay silent homage to the Bern.
Recent media coverage is similar to that of a sporting event; CNN has been promoting their election day programming like one would a boxing match. The media’s sensationalizing of this election in particular has been a shit show. I know I speak for many when I say that I just want the shit to end. I want to wake up tomorrow with the best candidate for the job declared the winner.
Times like these are anxiety provoking. I for one have been having stress/anxiety dreams for the better part of a month leading up to this day. But the end is in sight y’all. We’ll get through this. Hopefully in once piece.
With that in mind, I give you a song that gets me pumped, especially when I’m feeling down. It’s “Ain’t No Man” by The Avett Brothers. Be well, everyone.
Hey. It’s time we had a little talk.
Before you start to worry and think you’ve fucked up, no, you’re not in trouble. Not all talks are to scold you for doing something wrong.
That being said, I would like to take a moment to express some concern. Over the past few days, you’ve had a sort of relapse. You got drunk a few times and forgot to take your meds for a few days. Normally this wouldn’t be too much of a red flag but it’s definitely falling in line with some the patterns presented in previous behavioral relapses. First, you feel good after taking your medications as directed for at least a month. Then, you get comfortable with how you feel on said medications and you proceed to drink excessively while on them. Finally, as a result of the repeated drinking episodes, you forget to take a few doses of your medications. It’s just what happens. I’m not scolding you, I’m just shedding some light on this.
I get this is “just what happens” when you get back on medications, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. Some patterns can be broken, and I think this is one of them.
First thing’s first: don’t slack on the meds just because you “feel normal.” The medications are in place to maintain your mood. If you slip up for a few days, it could throw everything out of whack. Secondly, having the occasional drink every once in a while is fine. Having a bottle to yourself is excessive. For now, lay off the substances until you find yourself feeling better over a longer period of time. Lastly, don’t give up on your medication regimen if you’ve slipped up for a few days. Getting back on schedule is tough but rewarding once you do. And you can do it.
You’re doing good. Just get back on track and you’ll be doing great.
Once again, I’ve made the impulsive decision to participate in NaBloPoMo and write every day. It’s an ambitious goal, but I think it’s one that I can accomplish. Unfortunately, I’m getting off to a late start. Time to play a little bit of catch up.
I’ve been feeling very naked on this blog as of late, and there is reason for that. I’ve been baring my soul recently, digging deep and talking about a lot of stuff that really hurts. I’m dredging up a lot of painful, embarrassing, and sad moments, and writing about them on this blog for the ultimate purpose of healing myself (For those of you curious, you can check out the ongoing emotional purge series conveniently linked here: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6).
So it’s been an exercise in self-flagellation thus far. I feel like I’m resolving a lot of things from my past that have been plaguing me for years. But there’s more work to be done. So, dammit, I’m going to do it.
In other news, life is going well enough. I focus on work, I come home, and I either draw or write before bed. It’s simple, and to be completely honest, I’m enjoying how uncomplicated life is right now. I’m not actively dating, nor am I hooking up. I’m just living, trying new things and seeking out meaningful experiences. I’ve been going to paint nites with my best friend recently. I honestly didn’t think I’d get much out of them, but they’ve been fun. Here’s my most recent creation!
It’s about 1 AM and I’m going to retire for the evening. Luckily I have tomorrow off and I can sleep in. Goodnight, folks. Sweet dreams.
I have neglected to check in with myself since starting the emotional purge project. The pressing need to write prevails and I can’t seem to focus on anything other than the shit I’ve done to other people. Every photo, every dream, every piece of art, and every song triggers some kind of memory, and the memory snowballs until there is no space in my brain left for anything else. Once I get it out, once it’s written about, I can breathe more easily. At least until the next thought, anyway.
However, I am happy to report that I feel less haunted, for lack of a better term. These things I’ve written about don’t creep in like they used to. They exist as opposed to consume. That’s a plus.
In addition to feeling less burdened by the past, I’m writing a bunch more, which is a nice feeling.
There’s more to tackle. I am still just as committed as I was when I started this shit. Onward.
I realized after writing my last post that I needed a break from the emotional purge series. Constant focus on my negative traits brought my mood down greatly. This exercise, identifying my “sins,” was meant to make me feel better. The blog became a confessional. But after the last entry, I only felt worse.
This next installment, the part 2 of my last post, is especially difficult for me to write because this is mostly about how badly May hurt me, and how I reacted in response. It was the first time that someone had ever told me “I don’t love you,” and even now, it’s still difficult to think about. It hurt to the core at the time, but the pain has since dulled. I still remember what it felt like, though. Like having a tooth pulled and feeling the cavity where the tooth once stood once it’s healed.
I don’t feel very renewed or restored after the last few days. These things, the shitty acts I’ve committed against people, I need to talk about them in order to get them out of my system in hopes that I won’t be haunted by them again, or realistically, not haunted by them as much or as frequently.
The project started after I stopped daily consumption of drugs and alcohol and started taking my medications as prescribed. After three weeks of not taking anything recreational, I ultimately feel better. But when I write about some of this stuff, I feel nervous and ill at ease with myself and all I want to do is smoke a joint and make this feeling go away. I need to learn how to not feel that way.
Let’s hope I learn soon.
I’ve had a thought.
In an attempt to release some of the guilt I’ve held on to (as mentioned in last night’s post), I’ve decided I’m going to write about the significant things I have done to others. A lot of time has passed, and I’ve gained some amount of clarity, so I’m viewing this as an attempt to forgive myself and let go of some of the baggage I carry. And maybe, in time, I can ask for forgiveness from others.
The Brain Twin is supportive of this exercise. She’s the yin to my yang. The Brain Twin doesn’t cosign an action of mine unless she thinks it’ll do me some good or have a positive outcome. I trust her judgment, so with that, here we go.
So, working on a Sunday sucks.
I usually designate Sundays as my self-care day; it seems like the world slows down a little bit and there is less demanded of me. So, being a self-care day, I can justify staying in bed past noon, keeping my pajamas on until 4 PM, and stuffing my face with Chinese takeout. I mean, this is what it is to relax, right? I can be indulgent because, fuck it, I earned the right to be.
Continue reading “The Self-Care Conundrum”