I realized after writing my last post that I needed a break from the emotional purge series. Constant focus on my negative traits brought my mood down greatly. This exercise, identifying my “sins,” was meant to make me feel better. The blog became a confessional. But after the last entry, I only felt worse.
This next installment, the part 2 of my last post, is especially difficult for me to write because this is mostly about how badly May hurt me, and how I reacted in response. It was the first time that someone had ever told me “I don’t love you,” and even now, it’s still difficult to think about. It hurt to the core at the time, but the pain has since dulled. I still remember what it felt like, though. Like having a tooth pulled and feeling the cavity where the tooth once stood once it’s healed.
I don’t feel very renewed or restored after the last few days. These things, the shitty acts I’ve committed against people, I need to talk about them in order to get them out of my system in hopes that I won’t be haunted by them again, or realistically, not haunted by them as much or as frequently.
The project started after I stopped daily consumption of drugs and alcohol and started taking my medications as prescribed. After three weeks of not taking anything recreational, I ultimately feel better. But when I write about some of this stuff, I feel nervous and ill at ease with myself and all I want to do is smoke a joint and make this feeling go away. I need to learn how to not feel that way.
Let’s hope I learn soon.