Some days, I just want to spin a globe, pick a random place on its face, and make a plan.
I feel suffocated by everything here. I would say everyone as well, but that wouldn’t be accurate. To be exact, it’s more like 90%; my friends and siblings have provided me with just enough air to survive. For the past few days, or even weeks, I’ve fantasized about starting over somewhere new, even going as far as adopting a new name and appearance to fully abandon my former life and self. For the record, my life isn’t terrible and I am not a monster. That being said, depression is the lens with which I am looking through things these days, and unfortunately, it all looks like shit.
This depression hit around the time I first noticed how dark it was outside at 7 PM. This was a few weeks ago. It bothered me. I was driving home from work and I needed to take my sunglasses off as the sun was on the verge of vanishing. I was irrationally angry, getting down on myself for having squandered a beautiful day to work at the optical hell-hole, lining the pockets of millionaires while barely being able to afford to eat. The thought was just strong enough to start the usual spiraling series of nihilistic thoughts that accompany my depressive episodes.
Typing this, I feel like I sound like an asshole. Everyone gets sad, Leila. What makes you so special?
But at the same time, I think my feelings are worth expressing, and it has been so long that I’ve allowed myself not only to feel, but to express those feelings without apology. I’m warring with myself and both sides want to annihilate the other. I hate myself and simultaneously empathize with myself.
It’s no way to be. It is exhausting.
I’m getting back on my meds tomorrow. We’re getting shit right, y’all.