I woke up just after 5 AM to use the restroom, and I’ve been awake ever since. Waking up and feeling wide awake this early breeds an immense amount of sleep insecurity; I’m too afraid to go back to sleep for fear of oversleeping. I parked in a tow away zone on a street cleaning day, which means I have to move my car before 11 AM. Because it is my day off, there is absolutely no guarantee that I’ll be awake.
Anxiety keeps me awake; it’s driving me to update my LinkedIn profile and clean up my resume. I’ve fallen out of love with my job and need something new to challenge me. It’s now 5:23 AM and my thoughts are racing with possibility. Who will I be next?
I had terrible insomnia when I was with my ex. We would fall asleep together most nights. There were points in the relationship in which I would fall asleep before him and he would turn in hours later, after having played video games to some degree of satisfaction. But without fail, I would inevitably awake at 3 AM, and from 3 AM until 6 AM, I would be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, I’d write. Sometimes I would prepare meals for the next few days. Mostly I wandered around our small studio apartment in the dark, tripping on things. When I did smoke cigarettes, I enjoyed sitting outside in the cool night air, smoking cigarette after cigarette until some feelings of sleepiness would hit me. I’d then crawl back into bed, at which point my ex would roll over and wrap his arms around me, and I’d manage another hour or two of sleep.
It’s almost 6 AM and I’m fading, falling asleep sitting upright.
I miss intimacy. I miss that feeling of holding a partner, that feeling of closeness, but I haven’t put forth any effort to find that feeling. Admittedly, I have hookups here and there, but let’s be honest: sex isn’t intimacy. Sex doesn’t replace that feeling of being able to look into a partner’s eyes and feel deeply understood at a core level.
All in due time.