See, I have this roommate.
We don’t talk very much, and oftentimes I’m intimidated by her (specifically, her intelligence). I think she has a beautiful mind and she strikes me as the kind of person that can teach me a thing or two if I am open to learning.
At two in the morning on Sunday, after walking Captain Coping Skills (formerly The Polyamorous Neurotic) to his car (which is another story for another time), she made me tea and we chatted one-on-one for the first time since her return from her home country. She asked me to explain the relationship between Captain Coping Skills and myself. I told her that we were lovers; there wasn’t anything romantic happening between us. I fancied a fuck and he was there, sometimes, when he wasn’t drinking himself into oblivion.
But then, suddenly, I felt comfortable with her enough to tell her how I actually felt, or rather, how I couldn’t feel and I was alarmed by the lack of sensation. She listened. We began to speak in abstracts, on relationships and mental health. Our other roommate came home shortly after, and the topic shifted. I went to bed at 4 AM, to wake at 11:30 AM feeling renewed.
What had happened was this: I spoke, and even though I spoke theoretically about feeling and what it is to “feel,” I shared something with another human and I felt accomplished in doing so. That conversation with my roommate in the pre-dawn hours of Sunday helped me realized how much I missed being social and working towards something.
I spent my Sunday in quiet contemplation. For a long while, I’ve been unhappy with many aspects of my life. The question of the day yesterday was this: how does one become a person of action? How does one become a “doer” and not just a “thinker?” What inhibits action? And ultimately how does one abandon the anxieties that hold them back from taking the first step?
I made a list of things I want to accomplish, and after that, I shuffled things around into some kind of timeline. By next week, I’ll have attended my first writers’ meetup group meeting. This is good. I’ll meet new people, people who are into something that I am into.
Doer. Not just a thinker. That’s what I want to be.