It’s 6:30 AM.
I started writing this because I can’t sleep. The anxiety of being trapped in the house is finally getting to me in a physiological way. Insomnia reigns, my heartbeat thumps in my chest, and my breathing verges on hyperventilation.
The snow plows have come and gone, but getting off the property has been a whole new layer of difficulty. 700 feet of driveway is a lot to shovel. I guess I have a severe case of cabin fever; I don’t do well feeling trapped, and I haven’t left the house since Friday morning.
30 inches of snow has fucked my whole world up.
Trying to keep my cool has been a task. I’ve wanted to bash skulls in with my snow shovel. That sounds extreme, but I’m being honest. Living with people is great when you have the option to get out once in a while. But being forced to spend every waking moment in the company of others is just maddening.
I need to get out of here.
My car is unfortunately surrounded by a wall of snow, and digging it out isn’t easy. There is absolutely no place to put the snow, as the snow piles around me are already taller than me. At 5’4″ (on a good day when my hair is voluminous enough), this is a little disconcerting.
The desire to leave the property isn’t just about my sanity, though that covers a huge portion of it. I have a dental appointment on Tuesday that I’ve been waiting about three months for. I have an ache in one of my molars. If this is a cavity, it’ll be my first.
I should count my blessings, I guess. We never lost electricity. We haven’t run out of food yet. We unearthed my boyfriend’s brother’s F150, and they were able to get junk food last night. That was a mood booster. A cherry Pepsi can fix a lot of my grumpiness.
Song of the moment is “Selfless, Cold, and Composed” by Ben Folds Five. This CD served as the soundtrack to my life as a 13 year old, and I had no clue what the songs meant or what life was even about. Years later, I’d understand that the songs were about breakups, asshole ex-lovers, and an abortion. But as a naive 13 year old, I was enamored with the piano in “Selfless, Cold, and Composed,” so much so that it became my go-to track for watching snowfall. Something about the piano itself made the gusts of wind that carried snow around almost magical.
I hope I’m free the next time I update.