We made it out of this frozen hellhole today, long enough to get pizza. After being cooped up for 3 days, we dug out the cars and made a break for the nearest pizza place. The boyfriend and I ordered separate medium pizzas and brought them home for a late lunch/early dinner.
It was the most amazing pizza I’ve ever tasted. It tasted of freedom.
That’s an incredibly dramatic way of describing the moment, but that is truly what it felt like. I felt like Andy Dufresne from “The Shawshank Redemption.” I shoveled through a wall of shit and I came out clean on the other side.
Tomorrow, I have a job interview and a therapy appointment. I’ve got to pick up my paycheck at some point as well. I feel good about things. Positive. Hopeful. It will be nice to leave the property, to just drive the highway. To embrace the freedom I took for granted before the blizzard.
Since being snowed in has giving me time to read for pleasure, I’ve been thumbing through my some Bukowski. His body of work is extensive, and while my collection isn’t complete, it’s enough to get me through.
I guess in reading his work, it occurred to me that he got a lot of shit right about life. I suppose I’ve understood his perspective more with age and experience. As a result, here are my top 5 Bukowski quotes that are truly resonating with me right now.
5. “If you’re losing your soul and you know it, then you’ve still got a soul left to lose.” (Tales of Ordinary Madness)
4. “Too often the people complain that they have done nothing with their
lives and then they wait for somebody to tell them that this isn’t so.” (What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire)
3. “How the hell could a person enjoy being awakened at 6:30AM, by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Factotum)
2. “We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” (The Captain is Out to Lunch and the Sailors Have Taken Over the Ship)
1. “What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” (title of work)
It’s 6:30 AM.
I started writing this because I can’t sleep. The anxiety of being trapped in the house is finally getting to me in a physiological way. Insomnia reigns, my heartbeat thumps in my chest, and my breathing verges on hyperventilation.
Continue reading ““Must Get Out Of Here” Monday!”
Relearning a person is an interesting thing.
I recently reconnected with an old friend. I guess “friend” isn’t accurate. We were something more than friends, but something less than partners. We fell in that grey area, an area in which he seemed to be comfortable and where I wasn’t.
Continue reading “Beginning Again”