If I’m Honest…

At Starbucks this morning.  Looking like a hot mess.
At Starbucks this morning. Looking like a hot mess.

I’ve felt like a mess for weeks.  I don’t have any positive stories to relay to you.  I don’t feel like a very good person.  I feel godawful and undeserving of love.  I feel like all of this negativity within me and around me is some form of karmic justice for all of the shit I’ve done.  I don’t feel worthy of anything good.

I’ve tried a number of things to make myself feel better, but they just don’t work.  They’re not long lasting.  They’re superficial.  The interventions are just distractions.

My feelings have been ruining my life.  I’ve been plagued by thoughts of inadequacy.  And those thoughts have been loud enough to keep me from sticking to my obligations.

But I have a lot of support. I have A LOT of people in my life who feel comfortable enough to slap me in the face with a reality check.  I have great friends, a great partner, a goofy furbaby, and a new extended family rooting for me.  The love is real.  And I can acknowledge it.

I still think I’m a piece of shit.

I still think I’m a piece of shit but I can hear the voices around me, encouraging me.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I might not feel like a waste of oxygen.  Tomorrow might be the day I turn shit around.

We’ll just have to wait and see.


Author: Leila

Just another case of arrested development.

One thought on “If I’m Honest…”

  1. Count me in your corner and give a holler when you need an extra ear or shoulder. You are NOT a piece of shit. You have value. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are loved. Hang in there. Ask for help when you need it, or at least don’t send it away when it is offered.


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