Stuck In My Brain: 10/17/2015

spinning

I have songs trapped in my hang on a regular basis.  It’s never only one, the songs never make sense when paired together, and the songs can play on top of each other in my brain. It’s like a CD that skips, but the CD is a compilation and the CD player is on your car as you drive on a bumpy road.  Kinda like that.

A Saturdays call for a lighthearted post.  Let’s talk music.

“Bad As Me by Tom Waits

This is a great song.  It’s gritty.  It sounds dirty.  One of my favorite tracks off of the album “Bad As Me.”  I get in moods that call for this song.  Lyrics of note:

“You’re the letter from Jesus on the bathroom wall
You’re mother superior in only a bra
You’re the same kind of bad as me”

“Runaway” by Kanye West.

I’ve never been a big Kanye West fan.  In fact, once upon a time, a guy told me he couldn’t date me because I didn’t share his love of Kanye West. I was definitely okay with that decision.  That being said, this song gets me because I’ve been able to relate to those lyrics a few times, and I am keenly aware of that fact now.  That is for another post at another time.  Lyrics of note:

“See, I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to them hoodrats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that’s what I’m good at”

“Just Breathe” by Pearl Jam

My brother’s cat passed away last night.  It was sudden and unexpected.  On the drive home, after the tears and the goodbyes, I drove home and this song came on the radio.  It was fitting because of the last line of the song.  My brother cared for his can like he would his own children.  He told her he would see her later.  I couldn’t control my emotions.  I cried in the parking lot as he said goodbye.  Lyrics of note:

“Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me ’til I die
Meet you on the other side…”

“You Gotta Be” by Des’ree

I was listening to some lovely 90’s one-hit wonders this morning and this song came on while on my way to work, mentally taking me back to the mid-nineties, and how awkward that time was for me, especially navigating social relationships.  I always found that song encouraging, especially in elementary school.  I guess this week I made a conscious decision to complete this semester and give myself something to be proud of, and this song clicked with me based on that. Lyrics of note:

“You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together”

So. What’s stuck in your brain? let me know!

If I’m Honest…

At Starbucks this morning.  Looking like a hot mess.
At Starbucks this morning. Looking like a hot mess.

I’ve felt like a mess for weeks.  I don’t have any positive stories to relay to you.  I don’t feel like a very good person.  I feel godawful and undeserving of love.  I feel like all of this negativity within me and around me is some form of karmic justice for all of the shit I’ve done.  I don’t feel worthy of anything good.

I’ve tried a number of things to make myself feel better, but they just don’t work.  They’re not long lasting.  They’re superficial.  The interventions are just distractions.

My feelings have been ruining my life.  I’ve been plagued by thoughts of inadequacy.  And those thoughts have been loud enough to keep me from sticking to my obligations.

But I have a lot of support. I have A LOT of people in my life who feel comfortable enough to slap me in the face with a reality check.  I have great friends, a great partner, a goofy furbaby, and a new extended family rooting for me.  The love is real.  And I can acknowledge it.

I still think I’m a piece of shit.

I still think I’m a piece of shit but I can hear the voices around me, encouraging me.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I might not feel like a waste of oxygen.  Tomorrow might be the day I turn shit around.

We’ll just have to wait and see.

Bursting With Ideas, Quick Update

This week has been so strange, and I’m so glad that it’s almost over.

My brain has been flooded with so many good ideas lately.  Ideas that require some studying and lots of careful planning.  I’m being intentionally vague and I do apologize for that, but I like to keep these ideas under wraps until I have something substantial to report.  I’m working on several projects at the moment.  Too many, I’d say.  But I’m having a lot of ideas that I want to commit to.

It’s actually cold in the apartment.  Time to bust out the space heaters.

Song of the Day: “And the Rain Rain Rain (Came Down Down Down)”

Happy October first, y’all!  I’m “enjoying” and cold and rainy day here.  Well, I’m enjoying the cold more than the rainy, but you can’t have one without the other. Not today, anyway.

My intention for October is to write as much as possible.  I would like to write every day, but I’m trying to be realistic.  So, I’m going to try and do so, and not beat myself up if I can’t.

Off to work on this wonky, rainy day. Catch you all alter!