There were a few motivators for planning the get-together. It had been a strange and emotional summer for the two of us. K’s father had passed away in July, and I was just in the throes of depressed living, ping ponging between moods due to a lack of medication and health insurance. As a result, K and I were desperate for something to celebrate and looking for an excuse to gather friends around and have a good time. So, when my then-boyfriend S passed his CPA exam, our reason for throwing a party presented itself.
I was poking around Facebook this morning while eating breakfast. My boyfriend had gone to work and it was just me and the new Alt-J record I just bought. I drew the curtains, opened the window, and lit some nag champa incense. A decidedly good morning. Our place is far enough from street noises to be serene. For the most part, you can hear the hum of the interstate a few miles away, but not much beyond that.
Anyway, I came across this article at medium.com by Aaron Bleyaert entitled “HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT IN 4 EASY STEPS.” Initially, I rolled my eyes at the title, but a curiosity overcame me, forcing me to not just skim, but read and absorb.
One of my biggest problems, and probably why I burnt out so quickly in my previous profession, is not taking time for myself. I’m completely and utterly incapable of self-care no matter how much I need it, no matter how much I burn the candle at both ends. The worst part is the helplessness I feel when I oblige requests. No, I take that back. The worst part is the guilt I experience when I say “no.”
About nine years ago, I started vlogging on YouTube. It was a new concept back then, people making videos about their lives, and back then, there was a sense of community. I had a small following to start, and it increased as I posted more and more content. Some of my content included silly little movies that I cobbled together from various clips. Some were montages of events, like a vacation, or a hayride at the pumpkin patch. But most were just talking, unloading my wealth of young adult emotions, my novice concepts of the world, and ultimately my frustration with myself and those things around me.