Creating and putting out into the world any kind of meaningful material is more difficult now than it ever was at age 20.
See, back then, I was awash in angst and I could take on any challenge given the single, powerful notion of youthful invincibility (thanks, mania) and an adequate supply of coffee. Most of the things I accomplished at that age, I only pursued because I saw someone else doing it and figured I could do whatever it was being done just as well, if not better. That’s why I started writing poetry as a teen, and ultimately why I started making video blogs (oh, vlogging) on YouTube as a young adult.
Continue reading “Professional Fuck-Up”
So, today is Election Day in the US and we are just hours away from the first polls closing on the east coast.
I decided to wear my Bernie Sanders shirt to vote to pay silent homage to the Bern.
Recent media coverage is similar to that of a sporting event; CNN has been promoting their election day programming like one would a boxing match. The media’s sensationalizing of this election in particular has been a shit show. I know I speak for many when I say that I just want the shit to end. I want to wake up tomorrow with the best candidate for the job declared the winner.
Times like these are anxiety provoking. I for one have been having stress/anxiety dreams for the better part of a month leading up to this day. But the end is in sight y’all. We’ll get through this. Hopefully in once piece.
With that in mind, I give you a song that gets me pumped, especially when I’m feeling down. It’s “Ain’t No Man” by The Avett Brothers. Be well, everyone.
I’m sitting outside in my old chair, the chair I used to sit in when I smoked cigarettes.
It’s dark, quiet, and chilly, and I can hear the low hum of the highway in the distance. Things are peaceful out here, away from people, away from the TV, away from political conversations. I’m spending the night at my parents house, and while I love them with all of my heart, I’m a bit tired of hearing about this election. I just want to get it over with.
Life has taken a positive, growth-oriented turn in the last few months. I’ve talked some of the changes here; I’m taking my medications, cutting out recreational substances, and throwing myself into projects that I’m passionate about. I’ve given dating and fucking a much needed break in favor of focusing on myself.
That shit gets lonely, though. I miss components of relationships: the hand holding, the feelings of intimacy, and, well, sex.
I can’t be bothered to do the “dating” part. I don’t have the energy to participate in the song and dance involved in getting to know someone. Not only is it exhausting, it’s just disingenuous. The first few dates require a fair amount of self-marketing; you basically have to trump up your best qualities and most interesting interests in hopes that you’ve said all the right things to warrant another date.
So being single will have to do for the time being. And that’s quite alright by me.
I’m going to take a bath, unwind, and rest up. Tomorrow is going to be crazy.
Hey. It’s time we had a little talk.
Before you start to worry and think you’ve fucked up, no, you’re not in trouble. Not all talks are to scold you for doing something wrong.
That being said, I would like to take a moment to express some concern. Over the past few days, you’ve had a sort of relapse. You got drunk a few times and forgot to take your meds for a few days. Normally this wouldn’t be too much of a red flag but it’s definitely falling in line with some the patterns presented in previous behavioral relapses. First, you feel good after taking your medications as directed for at least a month. Then, you get comfortable with how you feel on said medications and you proceed to drink excessively while on them. Finally, as a result of the repeated drinking episodes, you forget to take a few doses of your medications. It’s just what happens. I’m not scolding you, I’m just shedding some light on this.
I get this is “just what happens” when you get back on medications, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. Some patterns can be broken, and I think this is one of them.
First thing’s first: don’t slack on the meds just because you “feel normal.” The medications are in place to maintain your mood. If you slip up for a few days, it could throw everything out of whack. Secondly, having the occasional drink every once in a while is fine. Having a bottle to yourself is excessive. For now, lay off the substances until you find yourself feeling better over a longer period of time. Lastly, don’t give up on your medication regimen if you’ve slipped up for a few days. Getting back on schedule is tough but rewarding once you do. And you can do it.
You’re doing good. Just get back on track and you’ll be doing great.
You know why you run?
You run because you need to get away. You run because you need to escape the place you’ve found yourself in. You run because you’re afraid. You run because it’s what you know to do, what you have always done, and what you will continue to do. You run in hopes to leave behind the things that will always, always catch up to you.
That’s why you ran away to Baltimore, right? The city, with its bright lights and roadways outstretched like arms, was waiting to take you in and embrace you, so you could feel its rumble of a heartbeat as it held you close. But the sense of security that the city gave you was accompanied by an understanding that the things you have run away from will always find their way back.
Consider The Hurricane, for example.
Continue reading “A Haunting in Baltimore”
Once again, I’ve made the impulsive decision to participate in NaBloPoMo and write every day. It’s an ambitious goal, but I think it’s one that I can accomplish. Unfortunately, I’m getting off to a late start. Time to play a little bit of catch up.
I’ve been feeling very naked on this blog as of late, and there is reason for that. I’ve been baring my soul recently, digging deep and talking about a lot of stuff that really hurts. I’m dredging up a lot of painful, embarrassing, and sad moments, and writing about them on this blog for the ultimate purpose of healing myself (For those of you curious, you can check out the ongoing emotional purge series conveniently linked here: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6).
So it’s been an exercise in self-flagellation thus far. I feel like I’m resolving a lot of things from my past that have been plaguing me for years. But there’s more work to be done. So, dammit, I’m going to do it.
In other news, life is going well enough. I focus on work, I come home, and I either draw or write before bed. It’s simple, and to be completely honest, I’m enjoying how uncomplicated life is right now. I’m not actively dating, nor am I hooking up. I’m just living, trying new things and seeking out meaningful experiences. I’ve been going to paint nites with my best friend recently. I honestly didn’t think I’d get much out of them, but they’ve been fun. Here’s my most recent creation!
It’s about 1 AM and I’m going to retire for the evening. Luckily I have tomorrow off and I can sleep in. Goodnight, folks. Sweet dreams.
It has been a long day.
You sell a few boxes of contacts over the course of your shift, but that’s not enough to make the time go by any faster. The clock ticks away, inching closer and closer to quitting time. You sit at your desk, almost draped over it, exasperated and waiting for the day to end.
A familiar face enters and she looks just as you remember her. You once regarded each other as sisters, and those feelings of affection quickly rise to the surface upon her reentry into your workplace and into your life. There’s a hug, long and comfortable. You ask each other questions about what the other has been up to. Before you know it, it’s time to close up shop and head home. She asks you to accompany her to the bar you used to frequent. You agree.
Continue reading “Reality.”